You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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