You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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