Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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