Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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