true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
