I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
send nudes
from the living room?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
