i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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