I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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