It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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