I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
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Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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