put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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