dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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