Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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