So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
