Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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