oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
