Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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