Whod you bang
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
