Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
