Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
