ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We need to rekindle our bromance
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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