totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have fence marks all over my body
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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