Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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