Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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