I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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