some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
