I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
