You smell like stripper and shame
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
