i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
