I cockslap morals
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
