and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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