I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You made out with two different species that night
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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