4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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