Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
