I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
