Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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