I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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