I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
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All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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