i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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