I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
