Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
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she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
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We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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