when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
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remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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