I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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