Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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