I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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