I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
