forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
