You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The air taste purple.
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