I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
