I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
