dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Drunk is not a location!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
