pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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