Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
