oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
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I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
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Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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