oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
