I think im going to throw up on grandma
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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