I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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