Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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