I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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