just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
