i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
