there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
